Also known as Rocky IV: Jumping the
Shark.
Opening rehash: Eye
of the Tiger! In the first montage! The shiny
hammer/sickle and stars/stripes gloves are a really 1980s
idea, cold-war fuelled. Given that Rocky IV is notorious for it's
overt propagandist direction, there's symbolism in the hammer and
sickle glove exploding before the American one. I must admit to
missing the brassy opening, despite an obvious love for Eye of the
Tiger; you can tell this is the
one Rocky movie not
not scored by Bill Conti.
And we've got a Mr. T sighting! Mr. T
is a hero of mine for everything from his mohawk/beard combination to
his his quote-unquote
“acting”. I've got a theory that when
Mr. T appears, your day improves. It doesn't matter if your dog
has died or your wife has left you, if you see Mr. T, you smile.
That his mode of entry is usually utterly random only makes that
smile goofier.
You've gotta admit that Mr. T, version
1983, has a seriously impressive physique.
The
original Rocky was inspired by the Ali/Wepner
fight of 1975, where Balboa was an unashamedly modeled on Wepner,
a self-described moderate talent (listen to this
5Live podcast, it's fantastic). Only two sequels and six years
on, Stallone ascends from willing, but limited, brawler to Ali
himself; recreating here that most iconic fight, the "Rumble in
the Jungle”.
04:19: Four minutes in,
and you can't help noticing how well Rocky enunciates. He actually
speaks in this film (and in Rocky III), rather the
nearly-unintelligible mumbling of the first two. It's kind of
true-to-form, as the more famous one gets the more media training one
will receive ... oh dear.
6:37: … It's
not just that Rocky enunciates better but that he doesn't slip into
the roughhouse Philly accent when he's with people from his past,
like Paulie and Adrienne. David Halberstam (who wrote Playing for
Keeps, among others) wrote similarly of Isiah Thomas: after long
exposure to the media he spoke like a statesman; when called out by
his older brother, he spoke around family like a small-time
basketball hustler. I can believe Rocky would vary between the two,
but the entire patois of his speech is different, there seems to be
less natural rhythm.
Here, he pronounces words like someone
who has to think about getting all the letters in each syllable in
the right order just to stop from sounding dumb. Maybe it's an
incredible acting job by Stallone – especially given Rocky's a
prime candidate
for CTE – but I'm not nearly that generous. Far
be it from me to impugn Stallone's acting ability – that's a job
for more qualified viewers.
The brilliance of Rocky was the
believability of his character when combined with perfect pacing and
the inherent drama of a “puncher's chance”. Here, we see
semi-sentient robots and Paulie getting whipped cream in the face.
I'm all for accepting that everything changes with money, but ...
8:11: Drago!!
Lundrgen's jaw is an acceptable answer to any geometry question. If
the square of the hypoteneuse of one side of a triangle is equal to
the sum of the squares of the two other sides, can the angle of Dolph
Lundgren's jawline be used to stab a lion to death? I can get behind
Samson using a jawbone to kill a thousand Philistines if said implement was Dolph Lundgren's.
11:00: Drago in lab:
It's an apparent reference to the famous (and feared) genetically
engineered Aryan supermen so feared by the West that half of Drago's
press conference is held in a laboratory. The media brings up
blood-doping and steroid use, only to turn straight away from it when
provided with a one-liner about Popeye. If only they had the
blogosphere in 1985 – which has perpetuated any rumour for all
time, since the internet made it “big”.
12:50: Drago punches
the meter: 1850 PSi. This seals it: we're dealing with a
supervillain here, a generic Russkie superman because that's
an astounding total. It's a wonder that Drago doesn't kill
anyone. Hang about a bit ...
13:06: Apollo at the
dinner table: Talia Shire, one of my all-time underrated
deceptively-pretty actresses, is the epitome of 1985 – with a natty
red sweater-vest and tan trousers combo. It's a nice touch from Carl
Weathers when Apollo stands up as she leaves the table.
14:40: Rocky and
Apollo watching Drago tape: Now's a good time to bring up how
much Stallone has changed physically since Rocky. In the
first film he
was
Wepner:
a blunt instrument, a cast-iron chin. Of course, we can retcon
part of this away due to Apollo's training for the Clubber Lang
rematch, but the slimming down had already happened by the start of
Rocky III. Did
someone mention steroids and blood doping?
Apollo isn't coming back to the ring
for the same reasons as most boxers. Especially in the '80s, where
they blew their money, often straight up their collective broken
noses. (Rocky's Philly slur suddenly becomes more pronounced as
they watch tape, maybe Stallone has remembered his character).
The lack of ready money always seems
to drive boxers on to one more fight. Stallone gives Creed a
fateful, quasi-heroic exit here: a more noble cause than the more
probable “I need the money, Stallion”. Stallone could have
sacrificed Creed on the alter of realism, yet chose not to.
17:00: Apollo/Drago
presser: Ooh, it's bad. This is perhaps the worst press
conference committed to celluloid. The boxing world now sees press
conferences featuring the likes of Derek
Chisoara slapping his opponent. Who's one of the Klitschkos who
dominate the heavyweight division. Why would you try to piss off a
Klitschko? That's like kicking a polar bear in the groin.
19:00: Oh, there's
the weigh-ins we're used to. Suddenly this begins to look a whole
hell of a lot more like the Klitschko/Chisoara debacle; only Drago
probably has a good ten-to-twenty kilos on the Ukrainian and Vitali's
not sleeping with Grace Jones. (Or at least, not as far as we know,
otherwise … eeeeew).
20:16: I love that the
return bout of a homecoming champ is listed well below Wayne Newton.
Good to see where the Grand Hotel's priorities lie... I don't doubt
this is true to life.
23:27: James Brown
sighting!! The Godfather of Soul looked exactly the same from 1970 to
2000, like he was dipped in formalin on his thirty-fifth birthday.
Open necked shirt, the beautiful
pompadour … it's all
awesome. It's a surprisingly touching moment when Drago, so
long the amateur, looks around and sees all the trappings of US
“professionalism”, the sheer amount of American throwaway income
and, well, Vegas.
Are they serious, having Apollo flown
in like this? It's a pity that Creed can't dance – especially as
he's contrasted with James Brown. Let me in on a secret: I can't
dance. Not a bit. And if I ever think “It's 1985, my comeback
bout, and I'm going to dance as I'm helicoptered into a boxing ring”,
who do I not want introducing
me? Given that Usher was probably six years old when this was
released, I'm going with James Brown.
26:28: Introductions:
Not an encouraging start for Apollo – the man with the hilarious
moustache introduces Rocky before him in his comeback bout. Apollo,
221lbs. Dolph, 261lbs (so he's got 8 kilos on Klitschko, but is
still a massive 25
kegs lighter than Nikolai Valuev). And they've messed up his
nickname – didn't you listen to the press conference? He's the
Siberian Express, not the Siberian Bull.
28:35: "You
will lose": Apparently this is the line which
won Dolph Lundgren his award. He only gets like five in the
entire film, and in retrospect this is the most impressive one. I
love that the Napierville Cinema Festival recognised it as a
breathtaking exhibition of deadpan comic timing.
29:00: You could land a
plane on Dolph Lundgren's flattop.
30:00: Drago's doing an
incredible job of brassing up Carl Weathers. And now, as the round
closes, should have been disqualified - if a boxer threw that number
of punches after the bell in today's boxing world, he'd be ... Dereck
Chisoara.
31:49: It's strongly
implied that Apollo retired after losing his heavyweight belt in
Rocky II. If this is the case, he's never received a beating
like this – he and “Stallion” went fifteen rounds, twice, which
ended as (*cliche alert*) wars of attrition. (I'm sorry, I
feel dirty, but it really does describe the fights). You don't get
to be the champ by getting beaten up, but he's already shown (like
Rocky, Lang and Drago) to be a momentum boxer, able to dominate
certain rounds but only when momentum goes his way.
32:19: And right here, we
can see Rocky is directly responsible for Apollo's death.
It's the corner man's job to throw the towel in not when the boxer
wants but when the boxer is in (serious) danger – a serious
oxymoron, I know. As an aside, I've paused the Netflix stream and
Ivan Drago has an expression on his face like Apollo's just farted
heinously. Which is possible, I guess, considering men often lose
control of their bowels when they die due to violence. *Spoiler*
32:49: It takes Rocky 30
seconds to try and throw the towel, despite Duke screaming at him to
do so. That makes him culpable, and probably actionable.
33:53: "If he
dies, he dies": Let's just take a moment to let those words
sink in. Really, would anyone say that, even in a state of (cold)
war? Give Rocky I and even II credit for their in-ring
realism; Rocky III gets a pass because of Clubber Lang
Mr. T, but this has no redeeming boxing features. In fact, it's now
only (farcical) melodrama.
Interlude: Stallone's
talent certainly isn't
acting or writing realistic dialogue, but in combining the
writer/directing roles to make enormous profit. He stuck paydirt
with Rocky, went back to the well with Rocky II, but
III (and IV, so far) have hardly inspired great lines
or situations. What he does, however, is make super-blockbusters,
cheap – IMDb estimates the entire Rocky franchise cost around $119
million to make, almost
exactly the amount the lowest-grossing film of the series earned.
It's highly likely that he's going
to keep making movies like Rocky, Rambo and The Expendables
simply because they spin money. In ROI terms, Rocky is one of
the most
successful movies of all time (ROI estimated at 946%) , while
Rambo as a franchise has a ROI of 426% and The Expendables raked in
over three times it's $80 million budget.
34:00ish: What does it
mean that of the 30 people at Apollo's funeral, most are white. And,
if you were Heavyweight Champion of the World, would you want Rocky
Balboa as your eulogist? A guy you've known for five of your forty
years, your greatest rival in a sport where opponents
typically don't get along and, crucially, a man who struggles to
string three words together?
36:31: Brigitte
Nielsen on death threats: I think it's cute when couples get the
same haircut, don't you?
37:30: Drago's manager
derides US society as "pathetically weak". I'm not sure
that Red Russia - or Kim
Jong Il himself - could have come up with a more schmaltzy piece
of propaganda than Stallone has here.
37:40: Stallone has been
taking lessons from Shakespearean direction as he talks with Adrienne
on the balcony above. Unfortunately his screenplay could use a touch
of the Elizabethan as well:“I gotta do what I gotta do”.
“A lot of people live with hurt”.
A pretty prescient statement from what amounts to a sports melodrama.
Rocky and Rocky II were all about living with hurt –
even parts of Rocky versus Mr. T
Rocky III where Paulie gets jealous and you can see
that theme emerging. However, Rocky (and Stallone) has now grown so
“big” – he'd directed Staying Alive by now – that he
doesn't have to live with it any more, he can do anything.
It's strange how his most poignant
statement is basically “the house/money isn't important” when
really the message would have been much more powerful ahd it been
“Lots of people live with hurt”. But, to be fair, the film's
pacing has been remarkably good (and an improvement over Rocky
III). It doesn't feel half-over at the moment.
41:40: Montage!!
There's no easy
way out! Really highlights the amount Rocky's face has slimmed
and how he's become much more taciturn; probably due to Stallone
forcing drama into roles rather than let it evolve. The charismatic,
musclebound arrogance is gone; in his place stands Sylvester Stallone
the movie icon, star of Escape
to Victory the guy we still see 30 years later. Rocky IV
is where the cariacacture came to pass – where the
antiestablishment hero became the brand.
I absolutely loved
this montage.
46:32:
“If a big giant man wanted to beat me up I'd be scared”:
perhaps that's
how 5'10 Floyd Mayweather feels about 5'9 Manny Pacquiao. As
much as Mayweather is derided for avoiding a fight with Pacquiao,
this may be a method of avoiding saying what many suggest: he's
scared of losing to the Filipino. While his decision (who would
probably make him look silly) is fair enough, the way he seems to
grasp at straws for reasons makes him look scared.
He's used better
judgement in not fighting, but wasted it by
using poor judgement in obviously hiding the real reasons.
48:32:
More Survivor – or at least it sounds like it! A quick glance at
Rocsky IV's soundtrack listing and I'm right – Burning Heart by
Survivor! (Love the fact that a Russian guy is chopping dry wood in
a pile full of snow). The number of entities who owe their entire
livelihood in fame to Stallone increases: Conti, Talia Shire, Burt
Young, Carl Weathers, Survivor, Lundgren, Nielsen, Richard Crenna …
the list goes on. Official montage count so far: 4.
53:15:
In Russia, at night: And the American wins the chess
game!! Matt wins this round of cliche-bingo! Just a brief aside –
if I was given any Russian and any “Westerner” to play chess for
my life, I'm taking the Russian. It doesn't matter if he's six years
old, the American is a grand master or the competition is
chessboxing.
Russians are naturally better at chess than Westerners.
55:40:
Rocky runs in a leather jacket lined with sheepskin, out in the
country (if it's cold enough for that, it's cold enough to freeze
that creek, too). Plus the Americans look as if they've never seen
snow before, which I can assure you doesn't fit if they're from
Philly.
The Russian runs in
a superpowered gym, and it's hard not to miss the everpresent fear of
Eastern European eugenicists. In some ways, this sequence has a real
anti-technology bent. where natural is better – unfortunately this
is counterbalanced by Stallone's obvious use of the gear. It harks
back to a more innocent age where technological advancement brought
with it fear; a quick look at 1960s Doctor Who suggests computers are
always fallible, but human spirit somehow is not. How long ago –
and luddite – does that feel?
Given the training
montage, and the versatility of training between the two
opponents, throwing blocks of stone about can't compare to
specialised training. In every match not recorded to celluloid,
Balboa gets his arse kicked.
Swinging an axe -
really, Sylvester? I mean, I get the symbolism – the tree falls
down and all … but, really? I love how Drago runs around a hall in
a spotlight. Is it some Russian dude's job to point a spotlight at
their champ as he runs? Kids, more than anything, this is
communism.
60:10:
That's some
damn fine music!! (hums while typing) Heart's on Fire, strong
desire … John Cafferty, everyone. Montage
count: 5.
60:43:
On the other hand, there is a school of thought which suggests that
Rocky's training is superior to that of Drago's. The movement
variability provided by real-world training could provide much
greater stabiliser strength and control than the individual muscle
training of the Russian. It's probably a training mistake for the
Russian to focus on power when it's patently not a problem for him –
2150 psi! That's three times the punching power of your average
heavyweight – or fifteen times the punching power of Aussie
Joe Bugner.
61:45:
Ah, there it is – the first overt drug reference amidst all the
innuendo as the syringe fills up. The lifting certainly shows up
Stallone's extraordinary musculature. As with any training montage,
it finishes with a triumphant fist-pump and scream. I once tried the
fist-pump-and-scream after reaching my current state of physical
perfection; I'm not welcome back at that gym any more.
Interlude: It's
a speaks volumes to Ludgren's jobbing actor status that he does
little else than grunt and groan. And he won awards for this
“performance”! The role could have been played by anyone –
even that robot that Paulie falls in love with – despite the fact
it took him six months to win the role and launch his career.
I've
just Googled “Drago” and found that the former representative for
Seattle City Council (and 2009 Mayoral candidate) was Jan
Drago! She would have had my vote (if eligible) simply because
of the name! Think of the incredible campaign paraphernalia she
could have come up with: posters that just said “You will lose”.
Bumper stickers with “I must break you”. Or even just “If
(s)he dies, (s)he dies”. Oh, the missed opportunities!
65:16:
Mikael Gorbachev – now universally thought of as “the
good communist” rather than “the politically expedient
communist” – represented there sans birthmark. Perhaps
Frank Drebin was in Russia earlier in the year. (Ed:
this is only confirmed later in the film when he's shown applauding
*spoilers* Rocky's highly political victory
speech).
66:00:
Rocky booed: Given that in 1985 you'd need to be a
high-ranking party official to get a seat at an occasion like this,
those booing probably aren't a steroid-induced scriptwriter's
hallucination but actually communists, rather than subjects of
communists. Thre's a fine distinction there, and therefore many here
are probably invested in proving their dominance over the indolent
Americans.
At least, that's
what I hope Stallone was thinking.
Secondly, when has
Rocky not been the popular favourite? With each fight, he's been –
in order – the unknown underdog, the overachiever, the comeback
King and people's champ…
68:27:
It's ridiculous when they take off their gowns that Stallone, the
good guy, looks so
much more unnaturally juiced than Drago …
70:12:
… but there's no question that Lundgren's good-and-proper-dosed as
well. That six-pack is downright scary. And despite us being
seventy minutes in, the commentators please with the first David &
Goliath reference.
71:30:
From a boxing strategy point of view, running straight at a guy who's
bigger than you is perhaps the silliest strategy ever. Why go
straight at a guy who's bigger, stronger, and probably quicker?
It's no wonder that
Chuck Wepner later
sued Stallone for infringing his life-rights. Drago is both
nationalistically and physically ursine; they must've made Lundgren
shave down to try and minimise any further resemblance to Wepner's
life, who at one
time fought Victor the Wrestling Bear.
Final Interlude: Did you know that Sylvester Stallone was inducted into the Boxing Hall of Fame on the same day as Clubber Lang Mike Tyson? And that no-one has ever really objected to it? That's because of the impact that the Rocky
series of movies made on the sport. They may have started
realistically and turned into a superhero serial where the title character can do whatever he wants to - even flying in the face of all tactical boxing knowledge - but they, in concert with HBO
Friday Night Fights, helped revitalise the sport.
76:48: … And Drago
just lost: “He is not human – he is a piece of iron”. While I
don't doubt Rocky's Balboa's ability to take punishment, the fact he
started counterpunching and going so hard at Drago so early in
the fight doesn't really fit type. But of course, we're dealing with
Superhero Rocky now rather than Real Rocky.
Montage!! - Ladies and
Gentlemen, your new record-holder for “Most montages in a
movie” - Rocky IV. And the crowd is pro-Rocky!! The patriotic
effects of montaging are well-documented: they can demonstrate
the passage of time, monetise a film effectively, cure the common
cold, unfreeze the Cold War and yet still solve the Global Warming
crisis. Can someone get Stallone on this?
Final Round: Suddenly
Drago's a much more sympathetic character than the man whose entire
sum total of lines includes “You will lose”, “I must break you”
and “If he dies, he dies”. Stallone must be feeling good about
life, giving big Ivan some redemption.
Rocky's channelling his victory over
Clubber Lang Mr. T, playing rope-a-dope. Here we
go, into melodrama again. The last ten minutes have actually been
quite good. And also, it's probably fair to suggest that at some
stage during this fight someone's going to have to block a punch.
I hear the trumpets … which mean only
one of two things. I don't see Horsemen out the window, so Rocky's
going to win! A the cost of his future mental health and not looking
nearly as messed up as when he went the distance with Creed in Rocky
or Rocky II, he has done it! (Ed: what Matt doesn't know
is that Rocky
was forced to retire as a result of the injuries sustained in
this fight. Perhaps that's why Stallone didn't play the “Apollo's
out of money card” - not out of respect for Creed, but because he
already had Rocky V lined up).
And, like all things should, this epic
finishes with a montage. Final Montage Count:
7.
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