Euro 2012: On Spain and Popular Culture

When the immortal celluloid “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” flickered onto my television screen last year, I got quite excited. Carefree days of sixth grade came flooding into my mind, so I decided a re-viewing was in order.

It was rubbish.

It was typical, arch Costner replete with florid dialogue, a full-scale Swiss Family Robinson tree house in twelfth century Britain and Brian Blessed dying very early. Let's not even mention Celts making the unlikely silent pilgrimage from Wales to England's Midlands so as to attack said treehouse.

And the less we talk about Costner's mullet, the better.

However, re-watching left me in no doubt as to the film's best line, delivered in a cadence that linguists can only describe as Ultimate Rickman: “Locksley … I'm gonna cut your heart out with a spoon!”

In contrast, the novel “The Princess Bride” features the Spaniard fencing wizard Inigo Montoya. After watching his father cut down by the evil Count Rugen, the boy Inigo spends his entire life practising sword fighting so as to take his revenge. By the book's conclusion, Inigo cuts out his opponent's heart out so deftly, so precisely, that Rugen is able to keep fighting until the killing stroke. Montoya had planned this so Rugen could experience the same as heartbreak and pain he had felt as a boy.

So why is this relevant?

Because Spain, the best international team we've seen in years, have played throughout Euro 2012 balancing uneasily between the two. The Spanish midfield conjures memories of Inigo Montoya's ruthless precision, while their conversion rate (11.9%) exhibits spoon-like execution. Rather than Spanish forwards merely lacking a sharp edge, for all their time in possession – 221+ minutes over four games – la Furia Roja have mustered only 67 shots. In comparison, semi-final opponents Portugal have had the ball for only 166 minutes for seventy shots.

Like Inigo Montoya, Xavi, Iniesta and Xabi Alonso cut the heart from their opponent; but when it comes time for the killing blow, they discard Montoya's magnificent weapon and pick up a Rickmanesque spoon.

Going back over Euro 2012, we've posted several times about Spain failing to adequately capitalise upon their possession. With David Villa missing, manager Vicente del Bosque hasn't used Fernando Llorente, apparently distrusts Alvaro Negredo like a bent bishop while Fernando Torres has regressed almost into a glint in the eye. Their continued dominance while carrying baggage like this is nothing short of amazing. Even devoid of top class strikers they are indomitable – but not undefeatable.

The time has come for del Bosque to use his squad depth. It is time for Llorente, the target man who looks like an inverted pyramid and whose finishing instincts (and luxurious bouffant) have him desired across Europe. It is time for Spain to stamp their authority on Euro 2012 and well past time for Spain to put away Rickman's spoon.

When Cristiano Ronaldo isn't Portugal's main man

The European Football Championships enter their final week. Fittingly, the confederation's four best teams will contest the final matches of the tournament.

A joyfulness has been incorporated into the Teutonic predisposition for precision, while Spain have eschewed the previously successful “death by a thousand cuts” for “death by a thousand paper cuts”. Italy's on-paper mismatch of talent makes them more interesting than at any time since their 2006 World Cup victory and Portugal have created working weaponry from a formerly blunt object.

The most anticipated final matchup would undoubtedly be a rematch of the Euro 2008 final where Spain defeated the Germans to claim their first major tournament win since 1964.

If Spain's midfield can be thought of as a hydra, Portugal are well placed to complete the Herculean labour of subduing the many heads of la Furia Roja. In fact, the Selecção are such popular underdogs that they are in danger of losing that unfavoured status: it's becoming increasingly apparent that their strengths match well against Spanish weaknesses.

Spain's overriding failing this tournament has been an almost negligent attitude towards their end product. With Fernando Llorente out of favour, Roberto Soldado missing and Fernando Torres missing under completely different circumstances, their goals have, as ever, been derived predominantly from the midfield. The centre of the park will be as congested as in any match with the likes of Xabi Alonso, Xavi and Busquets lined up against the territorial Raul Meireles

The best method of countering possession dominance combined with such flagrant reluctance to shoot is with stout central defenders – like Pepe and Bruno Alves – and crucially, midfielders willing and able to carry the ball into positions which create the best springboard for quick and tricksy forwards such as Cristiano Ronaldo and Nani to exploit.

Courtesy: footballzz.com

Portugal have improved in each of their matches, especially in the quality of the link play between defence and attack. A backline of Bruno Alves and Pepe should field no questions of resilience, the transition forward has come chiefly from unheralded sources: Joao Moutinho and Miguel Veloso. Moutinho certainly stood up to the challenge and while Ronaldo was the spearhead, thrusts were generated behind him and chiefly via Moutinho's creation.

Most things will have to fall to their favour for Portugal to win. They'll need Ronaldo at his direct best, Meireles to perform his role, Moutinho to advance the ball well and Good Nani rather than Evil Nani. But given their pedigree and a pragmatic manager in Paulo Bento, Portugal could prevent the final of Euro 2012 being the typical sequel which fails to live up to advanced billing.

What if Cristiano Ronaldo played for Australia?

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A relatively obscure fact about Cristiano Ronaldo is that he was once – a long time ago – eligible to represent Australia. His grandparents live in Perth, Australia's westernmost outpost, the most remote city in the world. It's not known if the Football Federation of Australia explored “recruiting” him, but it's highly unlikely given how passionately he represents Portugal. Greece forward Giorgos Samaras and Turkey defender Ersan Gülüm likewise have chosen other nations over Australia.

However, even had he chosen the green and gold of the Socceroos rather than his Iberian homeland, Ronaldo may well have not been accepted as easily as you'd think. We'd love his pace, skill, aggression and athleticism – but could Australians stand his hair? Certainly, many find his predilection for product rather unnerving; Ronaldo is undoubtedly one of the best footballers of all time, but often takes the field looking as if he's dipped his hair in a bucket of furniture varnish.

He certainly likes to stand out, and unfortunately that can lead to being lampooned just because you're confident enough to do so.  It's a good thing his ego appears puncture-proof.

This takes nothing away from his skill or achievement. But Australia, home of “Tall Poppy Syndrome” and about as cynical a country as you could find, doesn't tolerate sporting prima donnas particularly well. Much about Ronaldo has a touch of the diva: from his personal grooming habits to his demonstrative body language.  I'm honestly not sure how well he would fit with Lucas Neill or Sasa Ognenovski.

He'd be welcome, of course – Australia have sought a forward who can score like him since the game was invented.  Plus, who wouldn't want Cristiano Ronaldo apart from Sandro Rosell? That said, as Harry Kewell (Australian football's biggest ego) found out when playing the diva in the early part of last century, the acclimatisation process would probably be quite rough.