The fantastically funny Dave Gorman
podcast features a segment called “Autofill
your boots”. In it, a listener is invited to answer quiz
questions which have been autofilled by Google's search engine
algorithms.
It works like this: if you type the
querulous words “Can you” into Google's query box, it suggest the
next most likely conclusions to your request. These autofill answers
are predicated by one's location and often by search preferences. As
you can see below, the most popular completions in the case of “Can
you” include “run it”, “feel the love tonight lyrics”,
“freeze cheese”, “get mono twice”, “overdose on vitamin c”
and “print from an ipad” amongst some other more unsavoury
inquiries. Dave then asks the challenger if you can, in fact,
contract mononucleosis twice.
This parlour-game derives from Google's
reputation alongside Wikipedia as the font of all knowledge, arbiter
of all sexual health questions and the bane of pub trivia masters
everywhere. When we enter certain football personalities into
Google, the autofills can amuse, tell a sordid tale, sum up or even
reveal a public concern for their (potential) religious views or
sexuality.
- In which the butt of many
Novocastrian and Evertonian jokes becomes apparent.
Wayne Rooney: twitter, hair,
bicycle
kick, salary, hair transplant, wiki, stats, net worth, wife,
jersey.
- Where we see an obvious trend
towards follicular regrowth. More surprising is that rumours of his
dilettante nature with “ladies of the night” don't feature.
- Apparently Liverpool fans think
he's still a chance to return to Anfield.
John Terry: racist, affair,
racism, wayne bridge, scandal,
anton
ferdinand, wiki, lost, zimbio, actor.
- Obscure, unvoiced rumours intimate
that when “John Terry crisis” is Googled, the entire internet
undergoes an infinite recursion, becoming an inescapable black hole;
its Event Horizon appears like a copy of the Daily Mail.
Nicklas Bendtner: twitter,
girlfriend, injury, mask, confidence,
arrogance, arrogant, tumblr, face injury, stats.
- Frolics
on Wearside and in Denmark aside, Nicklas Bendtner is known for
one thing: irrational confidence.
- Ah, mad Jens
Sepp
Blatter: racism, net worth, twitter, salary, corruption,
quotes,
women's
shorts, goal line technology, with black people
- Apparently most people searching
El Presidente aren't curious as to his policies concerning FIFA doing
“real and permanent good”; they're most interested in his
well-publicised gaffes.
Sir Alex Ferguson: quotes,
salary, net worth, wiki, hairdryer
treatment, retirement, stand, book, twitter, tactics
- Perhaps the most interesting man
in football today, Ibrahimovic has the confidence of Bendtner and the
ability of David Silva. Many suspect he still has the heart of
Gerard Pique.
Mario Balotelli: twitter,
girlfriend, wiki, chef, why always me, salary, stories,
suspension, news, twitter official.
Sergio Ramos: twitter,
girlfriend, tattoos, tumblr, wiki, biography, nose
job, drops
cup, girlfriend 2012, headband.
- If “Sergio Ramos nose job” is
actually searched, you find several different message boards where
this question is posted. The right-back on the best team in Europe
this year, a current World Cup and European Champion and solid and
effective for a decade, Ramos' career has been reduced to this.
Harry Redknapp: tax evasion,
trial, quotes, england
manager, twitch, illiterate,
team sheet, wheeler
dealer, england.
Roy Keane: quotes, wiki,
haaland,
patrick vieira,
autobiography, robbie keane, alf inge haaland, twitter, shirt,
galaxy.
- Where his long and brutal career
is summed up by three incidents – Alf Inge Haaland, Patrick Vieira
and namesake Robbie Keane. No mention of Prawn Sandwiches,
however...
Ashley Young: injury, dive, facebook, and
the restless, twitter, goal
vs tottenham, blood, stats, transfer fee.
- Young makes the cut simply because
of the incredible Taiwanese animation and the unwitting link to the
Young and the Restless. Comedy gold!
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