Three things: Andy Carroll, Liverpool saviour?

Three talking points from the English Premier League this weekend:

Alternative XI: Footballing Autofills

The fantastically funny Dave Gorman podcast features a segment called “Autofill your boots”. In it, a listener is invited to answer quiz questions which have been autofilled by Google's search engine algorithms.

It works like this: if you type the querulous words “Can you” into Google's query box, it suggest the next most likely conclusions to your request. These autofill answers are predicated by one's location and often by search preferences. As you can see below, the most popular completions in the case of “Can you” include “run it”, “feel the love tonight lyrics”, “freeze cheese”, “get mono twice”, “overdose on vitamin c” and “print from an ipad” amongst some other more unsavoury inquiries. Dave then asks the challenger if you can, in fact, contract mononucleosis twice.

 This parlour-game derives from Google's reputation alongside Wikipedia as the font of all knowledge, arbiter of all sexual health questions and the bane of pub trivia masters everywhere. When we enter certain football personalities into Google, the autofills can amuse, tell a sordid tale, sum up or even reveal a public concern for their (potential) religious views or sexuality.

So, without any further introduction, here's the Autofill Eleven – with subs included.

Why Kenny Dalglish was (sort of) right

Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish was roundly chastised last week for suggesting that Liverpool's season, by every other measure than Premiership points, had been a success. The Reds sit in eighth position on the Premier League table after a forgettable 2012 that has seen them take only eight points from their twelve fixtures since the turn of the year.

Although a peculiar statement, the fact is that he could be right. The Kop legend just failed to articulate his sentiments correctly – everything depends on your definition of “success”.

Broadly speaking, all sports fans want to see one of two things from their club: present success or promise for the future. There's scant, if any, middle ground. If a club isn't on the threshold of achievement (whether than be team harmony, staying in a division, avoiding liquidation or securing a title) then fans must see management putting structures into place that will realise ambition.

Those structures, as Dalglish rather ineloquently posited, could be on-field – such as new players, value-for-money signings or a team adjusting well to a new style or set of tactics. They could also come from the boardroom, like the now-infamous kit deal.

However, clubs can only trade on hope for so long before it becomes fatuous. The confounder therefore is supporter expectation, a notoriously difficult and formless concept.

Despite an improved squad and a collapsing percentage of achieved points (his ratio has decreased from last term's 61% to 45% this season), Scouse fans should feel their icon's major failing has not been mismanagement of players but of fan expectation. With the arrival of Bellamy, Carroll, Adam, Downing, Henderson, Doni, Enrique and, ultimately and definitively, Luis Suarez, Reds could well have expected a Champions League challenge – at least.

For that to occur the team would have had to have gelled instantly and avoided all controversy and injury. All three were highly unlikely. Though he's been lost/lazy/awful at times, Carroll still has the potential to the league's best big forward, and I defy suggestion that Henderson and Adam won't at least be serviceable. However, all three depend upon being deployed correctly. There remains plenty of promise for the future, if thosee talents boasting “Standard Chartered” on their chests are aptly harnessed.  

Sponsorship and stability should be prized as well - if not perhaps more so than finishing above Everton, or winning the League Cup.  Dalglish, in the immortal words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, could quite rightly say "What I said was true ... from a certain point of view".

Courtesy: dailymail.co.uk

Dalglish began trading on instant achievement when, with Carroll and Henderson struggling, Bellamy crocked and Suarez, well, controversial, the club were better placed to plug the promise of seasons to come for one more year.

How this would have gone over with his superiors is anyone's guess, but with squad expenditure since January last year topping out over ₤85 million, indications are that success had become th expectation. However, and by whoever, the suggestion that the club was placed to succeed now, rather than after a short seasoning period, has placed Dalglish's stiffening neck in a tightening noose.

Death, taxes and Capello's England

Fabio Capello's England squad comes with several un-surprises: Rio Ferdinand has been omitted, as has Liverpool's Steven Gerrard. Forgive me, but I need a couple of minutes to deal with that overwhelming shock. (Picks self slowly off floor). Injury has rendered Ferndinand a poor imitation of his former commanding self; Gerrard has played two matches off the bench for the season.

Again, Fabio Capello has failed to select form over reputation. Darren Bent or Bobby Zamora could start as Wayne Rooney's forward partner, especially given Capello's apparent disdain for Andy Carroll's lifestyle. Though Phil Jones has made the squad, Chris Smalling will not feature; neither will the demonstrably lethal Daniel Sturridge.

It is time to accept that only in the Three Lions is change not inevitable. Though Macedonia have played well - above expectation and even hope - their squad is the inverse of the England squad. Their unit is organized, motivated, have fewer skills and less cash. Don't give me the rubbish that England aren't motivated, even after the night which still plagues both Steve McLaren and Scott Carson's careers. Montenegro, who've played their football independently from Serbia only since 2006, has much more to gain than their established English counterparts.

This reason is why players like Sturridge, Welbeck and Smalling - Gaby Agbonlahor, for crying out loud - had to be featured in this match; each has something to gain from the exposure. One win (at home to England or away at Switzerland) will see Montenegro, granted nationhood from Serbia in 2006 and with the same population to Sheffield, secure a playoff spot for the 2012 European football Championships.

Of this, be very sure: the Montenegrin players care more about this match than the Three Lions. This is why Capello must be certain of selections; probably it is why he has erred to conservatism. Whether said nationalistic fervour is enough to counter players of a higher skill-set is why the matches are played.

England will face a team inspired by achievement while themselves facing public expectation bordering on verbal assault. The empowerment brought about by positive reinforcement is more stirring than fear of failure. The proof is in the pundit's bugbear Andy Carroll, who is yet to reproduce his Tyneside form for new club or country.

As well as reinforcing the generational change England so badly needs (Michael Owen and Joe Cole still talk about call-ups!), playing a front three of Rooney, Sturridge and Welbeck would scare almost any defence. That triad's pace alone would terrify most centre-backs, let alone the finishing skills all have shown this year.

Once again, England under Capello has missed a trick - and denied younger players the chance to prove themselves before a major tournament. Why should we expect any different?

Golden Generation or Fool's Gold?

Barring an almighty flop, England will qualify for Euro 2012. They'll do so in marginally convincing fashion, maybe even topping a group which while not robust, provided more challenging than first thought. Now, England manager Fabio Capello said he knew Tuesday's performance against Wales would be sub-par from watching the players warm up.

No-one's championing the current incarnation of the Three Lions as potential champions. Journalists and pundits alike admit their faith has been misplaced in the past and refuse to be fooled into again predicting glory for Blighty because, well, there's no reason to.

England's "golden generation" is marking out the last days of an ultimately disappointing series of International careers. This qualifying campaign is likely to be their last. The next major tournament, Euro 2012, will also probably be their last. They'll probably lose that tournament too, because Spain, Germany and the Netherlands are just that good. Winning won't be the only way the tournament is considered a success - even a fighting semi-final loss could be seen as progress.

They also won't win because of the simple fact England will not win anything until their Golden Generation has been removed almost entirely from the International picture. They have been enabled by Fabio Capello, who after insisting upon his appointment he would pick the best and most in-form players, has reneged and opted for the same old.

Given his reluctance to play England's best goalkeeper at the World Cup due to a self-inflicted lack of competitive experience, this means should the Italian actually want to win the European Football Championships, he should drop the ageing stalwarts of England's calamitous noughties. If he fears the consequences of playing untested players in major competitions, he should blood them now and embrace the possibilities ofered by English youth.

Perhaps he has started to do so already - through it's unclear whether through necessity or choice. Joe Hart is unquestionably the best 'keeper in England, if not one of the top five in world football. Gary Cahill looks almost certain to usurp Rio Ferdinand's position alongside the GG's leader, John Terry. When health allows, Andy Carroll and Jack Wilshere are the vanguard of the next generation. Chris Smalling's debut at right-back was impressive last week and he coped well with Gareth Bale on Tuesday.

The world and his dog already know what the Golden Generation can - or can't - do. If they were able to win a major championship, they would have done so already - or at least performed better. For nearly a decade England has struggled to combine their best two midfielders (Gerrard and Lampard) and boasted forwards unable to wreak the required havoc with inconsistent or inadequate supply. The Lions, while occasionally displaying flashes of individual skill, have been far less than the sum of their parts.

Although the season is young, the English players impressing most in the Premier League are of a different age to the current core of the team. It may be that generational change for its own sake isn't the catalyst for change, but form. Looking through the International lens, these players are unburdened by numerous England let-downs and deserve a chance to grow together as a unit before the Golden Generation exits in a series of faux, enforced and never-ending retirements brought on by a Quarter-final capitulation in Poland or the Ukraine.

This is hardly a revelatory argument. Capello's biggest contribution to English football could be to spot this fool's gold for what it is and create a new legacy for the country with a generation whose players could become (or already are) World Class, led by Hart, Smalling, Wilshere, Phil Jones and (gasp!) even Carroll. It is time to forcibly - and perhaps conspicuously and even painfully - retire those English player who have proven themselves ineffective on the International stage.

When winning is at stake, there is little room for sentiment.

Swansea City's Scott Sinclair deserves England callup

Anointing a youngster "future England regular" is an exercise both in optimism and presumption. There have been several recent nominees for the position future England star - from Jermaine Defoe, through Jack Wilshere, Andy Carroll and even Adam Johnson. Each has had their sparkly moments in the Three Lions' shirt and as Fabio Capello begins to assemble his squad for Euro 2012, certain names have been categorized already: Rooney - definitely, Lampard - probably, Naughton - perhaps, Bothroyd - unlikely, Scholes - I wish and Nugent - never in a million years.

Here's one more suggestion for that "perhaps" category, a bolter from the field: Scott Sinclair, of Swansea City. In fact, it's not too long a bow to draw to suggest he should have been considered for a call-up to the current England training camp as they prepare to face Switzerland. Take note he probably doesn't deserve a place in the team just yet, but with his Championship form, Chelsea pedigree and blistering pace down the left of midfield he - and England - can only benefit from his exposure to top level competition.

The former Chelsea man isn't the best English left winger in the country. He may not even make the top seven. But what he does offer is an abundance of pace, youth, finishing skills and enthusiasm. In International football, speed is a crucial part of a team's gameplan and something- Theo Walcott's fragile body apart - that the Three Lions lack. He may develop into a gamebreaker (or not) but to include him at this juncture would only aid England's process of ensuring the most appropriate talent makes their representative team.

Understanding that during their past few internationals England have trotted out James Milner, Stewart Downing and Ashley Young as regular left midfielders - Milner the incumbent and deserving Villa pair rewarded for good Premiership form. Other wide players like Matt Jarvis and Johnson round out the England squad - both of good, but not world-class standard. It's hard to believe that Sinclair is that far removed from that second level, especially when viewed on a purely physical basis. Man City's Johnson went from the Championship with Middlesbrough to the national setup within months of his acquisition by the Citizens and appears as if he has an England future. Sinclair could do the same.

The argument for calling up the Swans' star is simple: why not? What has England got to lose? They include an upcoming youngster, give him exposure to training with top-class talent and play him only if they're confident he won't let the side down. If he's not good enough, so be it - he can easily not be included in their matchday team. His Championship background shouldn't scare Capello - the Italian called up Jay Bothroyd earlier this season and Sinclair's record (27 goals in all competitions this year) is comparable to, if not better than, that of the former Cardiff City striker. He's already in the system as well as a regular for Stuart Pearce's U-21 mob.

As any four-year old is frustratingly aware, the simple rebuttal to an argument of "Why not?" is "Why?". England have a bevy of wide players with better and more established pedigrees - ranging from Milner to Jarvis. To represent one's country should be earned and it's questionable that Sinclair has done so. Often, managers look for two years of performances before rewarding players with higher honours. But really, does training with the National squad have the same weight of meaning? Two years ago, Joe Lewis of Peterborough was called into the England training camp while Jordan Henderson's tremendous start to last season got him an England cap, after which his form tailed away. To look back on those two's call-ups is to ask if they truly deserved them also.

Scott Sinclair will find out later this year when Swansea City begin their Premiership campaign if he's quite the player he seems. But Fabio Capello's watching brief shouldn't just include obtaining results but developing the national team for the future as well - and Scott Sinclair's definitely one to watch. It appears he has missed a trick by disregarding the young Swan.

Image courtesy: telegraph.co.uk

Inevitability = Mid-Season Transfer Deadline

It's the proliferation of owners crying poor that make this year's transfer deadline yet another sign, in the immortal and notorious words of disgraced presenter Richard Keys, that the football "world's gone mad". According to ESPN Soccernet, English clubs spent a combined 214 million pounds this January, more than seven times what was expended at the same time last year. Chelsea sunk a reported £45 million into Liverpool striker Fernando Torres; which the Merseysiders then re-invested into a pair of front-men: 22 year-old Newcastle leviathan Andy Carroll, who's presently injured, and Ajax Amsterdam's Uruguayan World Cup supervillain Luis Suarez. Abramovich's deep pockets also reportedly funded the transfer of Benfica's ball-playing centre back David Luiz for 21 million.

The greatest feeling on transfer deadline day wasn't a sense of opportunity, though Chelsea and Liverpool fans probably disagree there. The sense was probably more one of resignation for clubs losing impact players. With the obscene amounts of money bandied about there was little to no question that any of those ballpark bids would be rejected out of hand - the risk in selling is much less than the risk of keeping. Unless the player is one fo the top five in the world (ie. Messi, C. Ronaldo, Iniesta, Xavi etc), when initial gambits are north of £20 million mark, any refusal to sell isn't met with an outright "No" but a valuation of their player based on everything working in their favour: "We know he's worth 35 million at least", conveniently forgetting that player is any/all of inconsistent, injured, demotivated, undergoing criminal proceedings or a bad influence in the locker room. This allows a manager to transmit that they aren't really interested in selling, but also also provides the bidding club with more information. If they then choose to return with a figure approaching that speculation, then perhaps business can be done. Every player has his price.

Also adding to the sense of inevitability was that so many of the stars rumoured to be market items handed in transfer requests. With the sums of money suggested for all of the deals above - including Blackpool captain and virtuoso puppeteer Charlie Adam - once a bidding team's interst has been registered both with the club and player, they then begin agitating - publicly or privately - for a move whether for the increased club stature, better competition, a hefty chunk of extra cash in their pay packet or perhaps finally for a possible/probable 10% cut of a multi-million pound/euro transfer fee. That desire to leave is reflected in the number of transfer requests we've seen this period: of all the big-name players rumoured to change teams during January, all handed in official requests to be transferred except Luiz. This can work both for and against a selling club as it can partially mollify any fan anger at management sabotaging their ambition by selling their most important players. With Andy Carroll's 35 million pound move from Newcastle United to Liverpool, popular opinion has the Tyneside club's ownership saying there was such a request simply to pacify a vocal and thoroughly irked supporter group, rather than because Carroll actually wanted to leave.

Selling clubs can both appreciate and fear this time as needy teams pay vastly overinflated prices. However by selling late - and not having control over when unknockbackable bids are registered - they find themselves in a dichotomy that by selling those players so late it robs them of the chance to replace them with more reasonably priced alternatives. Cue more fan anger and a rapidly worsening vicious circle.

Another inevitability was the involvement of Liverpool in three of the largest deals of the period. Unsurprising as they've been horrible this year and their marquee guy, Fernando Torres, has looked more and more disheartened. Like a snakeskin, Torres has only resembled the killer he was in prior Premiership seasons as his last eighteen months has been destroyed by injury and poor form. When healthy he gives the league's best Centre-Half (Vidic) fits the like of no other, but has been neither healthy or invested and looked as if he felt it was time do like the Beatles and leave Merseyside before the stank becomes difficult to remove. Once his head was turned by Chelsea last week, a deal was indomitable. Luis Suarez joining the Reds was always likely but became nailed-on when Torres started flashing his big blues at London's Russian quarter, but the Carroll bid came from left field and may well be the single biggest splash for the month.

Carroll, a Northeast local, is emblematic of the tariff placed on all English players. While the fees this window have been striking, the money that's been demanded for British talent, proven or unproven has exceeded all previous precedents. If, as most right-thinkers believe, Fernando Torres is one of the League's top three forwards - and probably the best - based on results, then Villa and Liverpool are suggesting that their new purchases: Bent, Suarez and Carroll are worth respectively 55%, 50% and 78% of Torres's value. And Bent's record in consistently banging in eighteen-goals-per-year justifies this; Carroll's worth comes down to his undisputed potential. A young man whose raw physique and rare combination of abilities (imposing aerial abilities, gut-running and instinctive ball-skills) have helped him score eleven times in his nineteen Premiership starts this year. His value to the Reds is in being able to recreate some of the successful lineups that the Anfield club ran with during the 1980s - a little and large show, with Suarez playing off the gargantuan ex-Magpie's grunt-work. If he only has to be three-quarters of Torres as a player, Liverpool have made the correct investment.

Money talks much louder than a manager's press conference, perhaps even more so than a manager on the sidelines. When he agreed to join Liverpool, Carroll became the seventh most expensive signing of all time (which was then surpassed by Torres) and the two joined the 35 million club alongside Cristiano Ronaldo, Kaka, Zidane, Crespo, Figo and Ibrahimovic; each a great of the game. The fee - a record for an Englishman - was sure to get Kenny Dalglish's objectives accomplished.

Again, once the sums of money became too great to ignore, Newcastle's hand was forced in Carroll's record move, the sums too much for owner Mike Ashley to resist. With only last year's powerful Championship season and an excellent August-November period to back up that huge wodge of cash, it was inevitable (I said: inevitable) that the Tyneside Hulk would leave. The World's Most Unpopular Football Manager - and he has some pretty stiff competition - Mike Ashley is looking for any returns on his initial investment and as such felt the need to pocket the 35 million and risk another spell in English football's second tier. As soon as fees over 20 million were mooted, it was certain in the minds of Toon supporters that their man would be leaving the club whether he wanted to or not. It's assumed he will free up only a little of the monies received to buy new talent, especially replacements as the Magpies are now left to hunt for goals with the uninspiring trio of Ameobi, Best and Lovenkrands, almost exactly the lineup which saw them relegated two years ago.

Carroll's preference is unknown at this time and most assume he wasn't angling for the move, but with the Reds dangling a 167% wage increase in front of him and the chance to join the an elite list of 35 million-plus players (and the percentage of that fee he may have received as part of the deal). As certain as it was that Ashley would sell, also sure was how the Toon Army would react - calling for Ashley's head on a platter. Their anger is directed at ownership with reason - selling one of their own perhaps without reinvestment - but surely they must understand the principles of buy low, sell high and that these prices may never be repeated? There is every chance that Carroll could flop and to be known as the guys who turned down 35 million only to then sell for 4 million (link to Sunderland/Bent story) would be undesired in the extreme. The fans have every right to be disappointed - especially in the timing and paucity of Carroll replacements - but should forget they managed to secure one of the bargains of the transfer window, picking up Stephen Ireland from Villa on loan for a song. Not a like-for-like replacement, the bald one may well provide a creativity that those noted creation-shy types like Lovenkrands and Ameobi need to flourish.

It was inevitable given UEFA's Financial Fair Play rules that this could be the last big splurge of some serial offenders like Chelsea. But perhaps the best way to sum up the craziness of the mid-season transfer window goes to Darren who posted on Soccernet: "Mesut Ozil + Sami Khedira + Rafael Van der Vaart + Javier Hernandez = Andy Carroll".

Game 12: Blackburn Rovers at Newcastle

Wednesday's Premiership encounter between Blackburn and Newcastle was a match between two solid, physical teams - only to be expected from a Sam Allardyce squad and a side fielding Mike Williamson, Andy Carroll and Kevin Nolan. It ended, as it begun, with a Newcastle United lapse in concentration costing them a goal and with Blackburn taking the points at St. James' Park as Newcastle's home form turned from middling into mediocre.

Another loss to mid-table opposition at St. James' Park suggests last year's bastion remains just that: a thing of the past. This Rovers team are perhaps the most well-suited side to defeat a Newcastle team that this year has thrived on three things: physicality, a solid midfield and a mature defence based on positioning and efforts of will rather than on athleticism. The form of Andy Carroll so worried Allardyce that he employed three centre-backs rather than his standard pair Ryan Nelsen and Christopher Samba. It was a winning move even though the man they sought to stop, Carroll, was still Newcastle's most threatening piece in a chess game less about guile than about out-and-out battlefield slaughter. As Hughton's queen (it's the hair, you understand. Oh and also his ability to wreak devastation on opponents) he was less-supported by his wide men as in recent matches even though the whole side was quite Andy-Conscious. He was able to convert a header from a Barton free kick all but ensuring a worthy England call later this week.

The Newcastle midfield receiving plaudits for its form this year were outplayed. With Barton, Nolan and Tiote not a trio ever to be mistaken for Happy Feet they were not so mcuh outhustled as outclassed as Rovers wide men Brett Emerton and Morten Gamst Pedersen proved effective against a midfield so effective three days previously against Arsenal.

The two goals resulted from simple lapses in concentration from Tiote and Mike Williamson. Joey Barton had a lapse in concentration of a different kind: he will be suspended for his gut-punch to Pedersen after presenting a restrained, mature front for a third of the season. Fans and managers alike were hoping that this newfound maturity could last - even though he has shown remorse his actions once again call into question his temperament. Indeed, that maturity may well be the watchword for the Toon this year.

This season has been and will continue to be a year of maturation for the Newcastle United squad and for the faithful. They sport - for the most part - a more wise game plan than when they were relegated. Mike Ashley has justifiably refused to offer The Understated One a long-term contract as a result of one year's effective management. It appears caution is the watchword on Tyneside and it would appear to be working.

Just as in life, maturing doesn't happen as the result of a decision but of experience: ask any parent. Rather than an alchemical process where a mentor adds ingredients and suddenly lead is turn'd to gold, the obtaining of wisdom is gentle steeping which increases in richness and flavour as the subject is exposed to it. The process starts, there are ups and downs and the result is due to the journey rather than any decision made along the way. The journey maketh the man. Perhaps it's similar of Newcastle United this year: the journey needs to maketh the team.

Game 11: Newcastle United at Arsenal

Yet more questions awaited Newcastle United as they visited Arsenal on Sunday.

Further questions of Andy Carroll and his off-field behaviour. Further questions about whether Fabio Capello could select such a player - irrespective of form - for his next Three Lions squad. Further questions regarding Carroll's ability to continue pushing the controversy to one side and keep performing. Yet more queries of a Newcastle United squad smooshed by Arsenal just a fortnight ago in the League Cup - the same defeat starting recent speculation about Chris Hughton's continued employment on Tyneside. More importantly, would we get to see The Understated One's horse-riding happy-dance again? Another conundrum in the makeup of the Magpies back four: Simpson, Perch or the recovered "Who-Boy" Taylor at right-back? Williamson, Who-Boy or the dichotomous Sol Campbell (is he fit, is he not?) to partner Coloccini?

The second-last question proved the easiest to answer. After last week's brilliant showing in the Tyne/Wear derby, manager Chris Hughton - sporting a very unusual haircut, grey on one half of his head and black the other, perhaps influenced by Barton - decided to maintain the same lineup that spanked the Mackems.

Answers to the others would take the full ninety minutes.

Early gambits were mainly to the benefit of the North Londoners: Fabregas cannoned a deflected free kick off the crossbar and Nasri was thwarted by superb Tim Krul shot-stopping. Arsenal then paid the ultimate penalty for their inability to convert their offensive dominance as Andy Carroll soared above two Arsenal defenders and helpless 'keeper Lukas Fabianski to head home his sixth Premiership goal of the season. After the game, both managers praised the horrible-hair'd self-styled Bad Boy for his mobility and goal sense.

The efficacy with which the Toon dropped men back during the second half simply forced Wenger's usually stolid face into a moue of displeasure as time and again his Gunners proved unable to break down their Magpie opponents. As has been their habit this term, Joey Barton and Cheick Tiote were crucial in their ability to both win the ball and distribute it well to the effective flank play of Gutierrez & Kevin Nolan. Their steel and discipline - yes, I just wrote "Joey Barton" and "discipline" in the same sentence - has been, alongside the form of Nolan & Carroll, the most resolute of Newcastle strengths since their elevation into the exalted Premier League ranks. Nolan - uncommonly more conspicuous in the defensive box than at the offensive end with startling effect - was instrumental in maintaining the Toon lead, an advantage cemented once and for all when during added extra time Arsenal defender Laurent Koscielny held back Toon youngster Nile Ranger and was shown a straight red. Wenger's men now numbered only ten and any hope of victory began to evaporate.

The duality of Newcastle United has again surfaced. In the space of three weeks, they been subjected to a rumoured re-take-over by former chairman Freddy Shepherd, threats to the continued tenure of a well-performed and well liked Manager, a superstar who can't stay out of the Tabloid gossip columns but yet they still are performing, sitting fifth in the Premier League tables. The fans are becoming more vocal after a rather unostentatious start to their resurrection to Premier League football. A quarter of the year gone and the undeniable talent has emerged and is playing at close to it's potential.

We have some answers. But still there remains questions. And that's why we love football.

Waiting for the phone to ring

With his sterling display against Manchester City on the weekend, several pundits have tipped Wolves' winger Matt Jarvis as a possible inclusion in Fabio Capello's next England squad, which is to play France in a friendly later this month. Other possible call-ups could go to young Gunner Jack Wilshere, Sunderland central midfielder Jordan Henderson and Newcastle's hulking forward Andy Carroll.

Jarvis is a speedy right-sided winger who's proved a success in the Premier League despite humble beginnings as a trainee at Championship side (then relegated to League One) Gillingham. He was an essential part of their side and was sold to Wolves in 2007. He became a first-team regular at the Midlands club and Wolves clinched automatic promotion to the Premiership after his second year at Molineux. Unusually for a promoted club, Wolves' wing positions were thought to be a position of relative strength, but it wasn't Jarvis tipped to wow Premier League audiences, rather his left-wing counterpart "Twice Nightly" Michael Kightly.

Kightly has spent much of Wolverhampton's two premiership campaigns sidelined by injury and the ball has fallen at the feet of the Jarvis. Who's run with it. And run with it. Then crossed it. And kept running. Once tipped by the Gillingham chairman Paul Scally to play for England by age twenty-four, the media is now suggesting that Scally's skills as a prophet were bang-on - Jarvis is precisely that age. Fast - though not lightning quick - and extremely technically proficient, he's no doubt been more effective this term than some of his rivals for an England wide position like Aaron Lennon or Shaun Wright-Phillips.

But can a player from a team so thoroughly immersed in the relegation struggle really force Capello - a man who admittedly prefers the tried and true options - into selecting him for the Three Lions? His ability, dedication, form and game says yes: few wide players have his endeavour or technical correctness. Unfortunately though, he has four things counting against him: his name (or lack thereof) when compared to the virtually invisible Wright-Phillips; he is short a yard of pace when compared to the blistering pace of a Walcott or Lennon and finally, although he's not short on influence, Jarvis probably simply doesn't have the same tricks as Adam Johnson.

The fourth reason is Wolves' current tough situation. They sit mired near the foot of the EPL table, even following some admirable performances unrewarded with wins or even draws. Perhaps Saturday's win against City may change that. Indeed, what may sway Capello in Jarvis's favour is the surety that he would offer an England team. The manager would know 100% what he'd get from the right side when Matt Jarvis played that wing and that predictable endeavour isn't something with which Capello's England has been generously endowed.

If it is time to re-stock the England cupboard with new talents, then Capello could do worse than looking around the Premiership for players that he knows will respond to the call with a performance - it's long been a curse for England that their superstars have failed to perform with the same vigour in white as they do for their clubs. Bringing in new, fresh faces like Jarvis and Tyneside Bad Boy Carroll could prove the difference between a staid, boring squad at Euro 2012 (with a bog-standard English second round exit) and a team which can really throw a cat amongst some Spanish and German pigeons.

Surely now?

A match against arch-rivals proving the ultimate testing ground for an under-pressure manager. Theatre has been scripted along these torrid yet predictable lines since the days of the Greek tragedy. A drama written in the stars with the same inevitability as another Rocky sequel or JK Rowling penning another Harry Potter novel.

Yet it was this familiar situation in which Newcastle United found itself before their weekend North-East derby with Sunderland following lengthy speculation over Chris Hughton's job-security. Rumour-mongers presented the same hackneyed storyline: a poor showing or even a spirited defeat at home could perhaps cost The Understated One his job.

The match belonged to Newcastle's front line. Hughton opted to start Andy Carroll and Shola Ameobi alongside one another for he first time this term; captain and part-time live-in-babysitter Kevin Nolan moved from his typical second striker role to a place in midfield. It was to be him that benefited from the Carroll/Ameobi pairing as time and again he found himself unmarked in the right place at the right time. In fact, the entire game could well be described as coming at the right place at the right time - a home ground at which the Toon Army have so far struggled at a time where their manager is under "friendly" fire for the first time in 2010.

Sunderland were simply unable to cope with the athleticism (!) that Newcastle displayed in front of their home fans. The superb Joey Barton and the irrepressible Jonas Gutierrez were magnificent in creating aerial opportunities in the Wearside box, chances that the Black Cat defence was thoroughly unable to repel as the muscle and pace of Carroll and Ameobi perpetually drew their opponents into horrible positions. It wasn't just the pace of the Broadsword Brigade up front - though it was directly responsible for both the penalty and Titus Bramble's red card - but Carroll/Ameobi's ability to get themselves up for second and third probing runs that created the malarkey in the Sunderland half.

The man to benefit was Nolan. The captain - who's nose for goal has never been questioned - was unmarked in the penalty area so often that if he hadn't been everywhere all day, his hattrick could be thought of as effortless. The Sunderland forwards were unsighted thanks to a midfield performance so ineffectual that it beggared belief: unable to control the ball and unwilling to match the gut-running that marked the Magpies' game. Jordan Henderson must be cursing that it was in this match that England Assistant manager Franco Baldini came to scout him. The confusion that the twin strikers were able to spread within a bemused Sunderland defence was equalled only by the utter ineptness of the Wearsiders' physicality and concentration. Apparently they didn't want to mark Carroll's babysitter.

Surely now Chris Hughton has earned a new contract. Surely now, Mike Ashley? His side has come out in support, most notably Barton this week and Nolan after Sunday's match. Other league managers have done so as well. It's rare that you see a Manager under such boardroom scrutiny yet not from either the terraces or the newspapers. It's certain that a few of the more low-brow English tabloids would love a change of management at Newcastle if only for increased newspaper sales - but only a crazy person would excise the normalcy brought by The Understated One for the bombastic actions of a Joe Kinnear.

The ball, Mike Ashley, is firmly in your court.

Why are we even smelling smoke?

Rumour has it that Chris Hughton is nearly cannon fodder. The tabloid gossip-mongers have recently suggested that he's one of the next managers on the chopping block should the Tyneside club fail to improve recent performances. Yesterday, the Newcastle cognoscenti rebutted that gossip and began talk about extending the EPL's least-paid manager.

But there's no smoke without fire.

Perhaps that's unfair. Once a few years ago, I awoke at 3am to the smell of smoke in my bedroom. Not having anyone to verify/refute my nasal competence and being unsure of where it was coming from, I phoned the fire brigade and was greeted five minutes later with four fire engines and about thirty firemen. They too smelled the smoke, made a quick recce and decided some teen had lit a local bin afire and trotted off back to base. My point is this: we don't even need smoke to get panicky. All we need is a hint of smoke and suddenly everyone mobilises so quickly you don't know what's happening.

You can draw the same parallels with hints that a board may be replacing a manager.

So why is there a smell of smoke on Tyneside? A 4-0 defeat to Arsenal arouses some suspicions, but surely ones put easily to bed considering Toon's defensive astuteness this year. It would be ungenerous to lay blame at Hughton for one poor game, especially one featuring a Magpie midfield of teens Tamas Kadar and Haris Vukcic alongside "gimp squad" members Danny Guthrie and Alan Smith. That they allowed all four goals in the final forty-five minutes is perhaps cause for concern - but this forgets one thing: it was the League Cup and therefore should be inconsequential.

Of greater concern is their inability to win consistently at St. James' Park but even after nine games (total), to fire a coach because they've lost twice and won only once at home is almost laughably intolerant.

To look at Newcastle United's regular midfield is to see quality. Ivorian Cheick Tiote has proven an astute signing, Joey Barton is probably approaching career-best form (I may rot in hell for even posing this question but: England? Probably not, but it's not something you can dismiss automatically any more) and Danny Guthrie, their best midfielder both of the last two years, is returning to fitness and form. There's been calls for Andy Carroll to represent England while Kevin Nolan has been his usual industrious self. They aren't shopping goals. They're scoring at a fair rate. They've been competitive. They've been (relatively) disciplined. Yes, they've missed Guthrie, Steven Taylor and Steve Harper, but their replacements have all proved more than adequate.

That the press are suggesting that he is on borrowed time at all is incredible. Even more remarkable is the tone in which this is being done. It's not one of persecution, a la Gary Megson, Gianfranco Zola or even Phil Brown. There's a tenor of evenness combined with a smidgen of disbelief because popular opinion has Hughton doing a good job. Popular opinion of this NUFC squad is that it's reasonable. Calling it above average would be a stretch. Chris Hughton knows it, the media knows it - hell, the fans even know it. hat the players have come out in support of their boss shows that they know they aren't a team of world-beaters. How and why the boardroom don't appear to grasp this amazingly simple concept is puzzling and ultimately, everyone also knows it's "the prawn sandwich brigade" who sign the manager's cheques.

Newcastle United sit ninth on the Premiership table after nine games. They sit amidst elevated company such as West Bromwich Albion, Bolton and local rivals (and next opponents) Sunderland. Surely even a smell of smoke is both premature and alarming for a club enjoying it's longest period of stability in over three years.

Andy Carroll charged with assault (again)

As sad and tragic as it is, it's also unsurprising on the morning check of the world football websites to see the headline “Carroll bailed to stay at captain Nolan's house”. As a young footballer, Andy Carroll has immense promise and myriad physical gifts. As a young man, however, there certainly seems to be a lack of either common sense, luck, or temper-control.

It's disappointing for two reasons: first off because it involves Carroll (again); secondly because Newcastle appear disinclined to punish him (again). Last year he allegedly broke centre-half Steven “Who-Boy” Taylor's jaw over a text message found on Taylor's phone from his ex girlfriend. Shortly before this he was cautioned for assault for being involved in an affray outside a Newcastle nightspot. He's also awaiting trial for glassing a patron at another Newcastle pub. Either the young man has serious alcohol issues, an inability to stay out of trouble, serious anger issues, or a disturbing combination of all three. That two of his recent fracas have involved ex-girlfriends means that he takes women very seriously or not seriously at all - to paraphrase (badly) Wilde, "Once could be considered misfortune, while twice could be considered careless". To put it mildly, Carroll is guilty already of carelessness.

This latest allegation – again involving an ex-girlfriend of the England U21 star – involves him allegedly assaulting her in the very early hours of Sunday morning at her Tyneside home. Appearing in the magistrate's court in Newcastle on Monday, he listed his address as a hotel room and was bailed to stay at the home of club captain Kevin Nolan, except on nights where Newcastle United have to play away from home.

Whether he's guilty or not, Carroll is palpably guilty of a lack of common sense. Should he not be guilty of anything other than being involved in a private situation that got heated, he should have enough nous about him - especially given his bail status - to avoid either side escalating the situation to violence (he is currently defending his stance as being self-defence). Carroll needs to mature, otherwise he risks losing everything that his extraordinary body and talent have blessed him with.

Perhaps the magistrate who's bailed Carroll to stay at Nolan's is thinking both of community welfare and of the striker's. Nolan is a hard worker and a professional, an element of the game that Carroll obviously misunderstands - spending a number of months watching a true professional prepare can only benefit him and this seems a wise decision from afar.

Andrew Carroll is now a serial offender and there's the real possibility that he, like teammate Joey Barton before him, will serve time for his actions. In the past, Newcastle United have seemed reluctant to discipline their prodigy and in this case, part of, and perhaps all, the discpline has been meted out by the courts of law. This is a dangerous precedent for the club, but given NUFC's "live and let live" policy it's understandable that the magistrate felt he had no other option.

Game 7: Manchester City vs Newcastle United

As startlingly and dramatically as he arrived, Hatem Ben Arfa's season is likely over courtesy a tackle by Man City destroyer Nigel de Jong. This loss – in the fourth minute of Sunday's match – compounded Newcastle's defeat to a curiously set up Citizens team whose aim seemed to be ensuring defensive stability at the expense of offensive creativity. That City chose to display their creativity at the wing position however was astute as, usually for this season, right-back James Perch was the weakest link in an otherwise tightly-fought game.

Perch has achieved the admirable record of seven games for six cards this term as he struggles to establish himself as the Toon right-back for the future. Perhaps Ryan Taylor's spectacular first performance for the season last week at Chelsea has unsettled him further; again on Sunday he was exploited as David Silva and James Milner consistently forced him into poor defensive position and his inexperience in the top-flight put his teammates under pressure time and again.

He was hardly the only one though. With Coloccini – unexpectedly Newcastle's “pacy” central defender – injured in the 36^th minute, Hughton was forced to call upon Sol Campbell to partner Mike Williamson. Williamson was made to pay for his lack of legspeed as he gave away a controversial penalty: from the stands, it looked a certain penalty while replays only clouded the matter, but whatever the result he must be thankful that he didn't receive the automatic red card that should have accompanied the spot kick. That the Tyneside centre-backs (and indeed Perch) are so immobile seems to be their Achilles heel: forever being beaten for pace, they are then forced to tackle from inopportune positions and risk fouling the opposing forwards. That they have been able to achieve a measure of defensive strength so far this year is credit to their technique but it is an ill omen for whenever they are face speedy strikers.

That Adam Johnson went around two Toon defenders (Enrique and Barton) before beating Tim Krul – who has so far delivered exactly what was expected of him: good shot stopping but less of a box-presence – in the 75^th minute is an indictment on the defenders Hughton has used this season. It is understandable to rely on Enrique and Perch given the paucity of options but the entire back four has too often been shaped too squarely and allowed opposing defenders to break the offside trap and to create easy chances. That the scorer was Johnson, with the most tricks of any Sky Blue winger, is unsurprising as he again is a mobile flanker rather than a positional threat.

Jonas Gutierrez was superb on the left flank and will need to maintain performances of this level should creative hub HBA remain on the disabled list. His 24^th minute goal following up his own cross left five Man City defenders bewildered and bemused in his wake. More repeats of a similar tune from Newcastle though – presence through the wings (if slightly effeminate ones with lightweights Routledge and Gutierrez), with the impressive Barton and Tiote manning the centre of midfield.

Shola Ameobi made his third straight start for the Magpies, leaving Andy Carroll on the bench. The Boy Wonder came on with thirteen minutes remaining in place of Kevin Nolan who was both sporadically effective and subdued. Long a whipping boy of the terraces, Ameobi scored thrice in his first two starts this year to earn himself another attempt in the opening lineup and comments from the manager (thinly veiled at Carroll) that no-one's starting place is considered holy. Even neutral observers have can say Ameobi's had a better fortnight than the New New Messiah. Unfortunatley, Shola basically doesn't have the same ability or Greek-god physique that Carroll sports, meaning he doesn't have the same happy knack of creating time for himself or others in the opposition's area. His appeals for a late penalty were optimistic but had he not been dispossessed as easily by Gareth Barry ten minutes before, perhaps the Toon wouldn't have needed a late spot kick. Simply by virtue of their respective talent levels, expect Carroll to start again at home to Wigan after the international break.

Another close defeat by Newcastle. They seem to be making a good fist so far of staying up – apart from the first match against Man Utd they've been in every match until quite late. However, it is time for the Magpies to start turning close-run defeats and draws into wins. This will come with greater defensive efficiency and more consistency going forward from their so-called flair players.

Carling Cup: Ameobi subverts Carroll as New Messiah

Two high-profile debuts down for two improbable victories. In Sol Campbell's first game in a Newcastle shirt the Magpies pulled off another unlikely victory away at Chelsea, a team previously undefeated this season. Following Saturday's win at Everton, the Tyneside faithful are singing as loudly as ever and charmingly, slightly off-pitch.

Campbell's influence was moderate at best. A dubious penalty notwithstanding, the team shopped three goals, at times looked outpaced by a very speedy Chelsea unit and were saved only by an injury-time header by Shola Ameobi, since anointed on internet chatboards as Newcastle's New New Saviour. Rumours abound that the two-goal hero may replace last month's passé New Saviour Andy Carroll as target man for the weekend's match is tempered only with a modicum of talk about how Carroll has actually played recently.

There's talk of silverware – after six weeks, no less – and in Hughton and his boys the Toon army have found a club they feel are worthy of their support. Their depth, rightly questioned in the past, has perhaps become a strength as the Gaffer saw fit to play Ryan Taylor (what a free kick – sublime!), Peter Lovenkrands, old warhorse Alan Smith, Campbell and Ameobi alongside the youth of Nile Ranger, Tim Krul, Haris Vukcic and Shane Ferguson. From all accounts, Ferguson and Ranger were particularly effective, if occasionally overawed by the spectacle of playing a strong Blues side at Stamford Bridge.

With the news that No. 1 Goalkeeper Steve Harper is out (shoulder) until Christmas, discussion now centres even more around Krul and his suitability to replace the Grand Old Man of Tyneside Keeping. The Dutchman must be aware of new talk linking the club to an emergency loan deal for Shay Given but that for now remains pie-in-the-sky. Krul's game on Wednesday was just fair as he showed glimpses of talent but failed show display the requisite strength to command his area effectively. If a goalie fails to command his area, he must be an excellent communicator and a lack of this communication between himself and Campbell – as well as Ranger's ineffectual box presence – was at fault for the first goal.

An encouraging win to continue an promising start to the season. That the fans are discussing silverware is obviously both amusing, premature and true-to-form, but with a start like they've had there's no reason that Newcastle can't continue to surprise their opposition. Silverware, however, remains a long way away.

Game 4: Newcastle United vs. Blackpool

Game Four

Newcastle vs. Blackpool, Saturday 11^th September

0-2 at St. James Park, Newcastle

Ronaldoisadiving[***]: “I'll say it again. Typical @#$%& Newcastle. Pardon my french, but i @#$%& knew we would lose today. Newcastle have to be the most frustrating team to support in the history of the game.”

BecksA09: “utter rubbish today. i can't stand these days! @#$%& weekend now.”

Ronaldoisadiving[***] again: “If we can't beat Blackpool at home then it isn't going to be a good season for us. Don't know about you guys, but my alarm bells are ringing that's for sure. Everton away next week? Can't see us winning that one either.”

It didn't take long, did it? After four matches, the Toon army has begun to turn on the players so gallant in achieving promotion last term. These are direct quotes from Tynetalk.com (http://www.thefootballnetwork.net/boards/list/s70.htm), a Newcastle United fans website where the Toon army can celebrate or commiserate anonymously after the team's weekend performances. I must admit to not watching the match as getting a live feed proved as difficult as it is for Sol Campbell to refuse a free buffet lunch, but from all reports and in all respects the Magpies were outclassed by lowly Blackpool.

It was for days like this that I chose to follow the Newcastle United journey this season – losses to clubs that statistics, commonsense and comparison put down as probable victories for the Geordies. But lo! After ninety minutes of spirited fight from both teams, a botched tackle in the box by Alan Smith and central defenders beaten on the break by two players yet to be fairly recognised for their abilities, suddenly the Geordie faithful are at the players throats again shouting out the usual laundry list of complaints: The Gaffer's too inexperienced. The players aren't up to it. If only Alan Shearer was still playing. If only Diana was still alive.

Blackpool finished thirty-two points in arrears of Newcastle in the Championship last year yet Ian Holloway has them playing an attacking brand of football capable of troubling the mid-table sides; the mid-table sides where Hughton needs to be focusing all his attention and where NUFC should be aiming to reside at season's end. By cultivating an “us against the world”, tight-knit attitude amongst his team, “Olly” has managed to take the Tangerines from “Dangerous at home” category to “Not at all a certain three points wherever we are”. Whether he can maintain this spirit and the results it's produced is very much still in question, but given the disparity in wages between the two clubs, the size of their fan bases, stadia and reputations, the fans on Tynetalk.com pre-match were confident and predictions of a 3-0 win were thrust willy-nilly onto message boards.

So where did it all go wrong? Blackpool aren't the most skilled side, neither are they the speediest. What they do have is a creative hub in Charlie Adam and a few goal poachers able to make their chances count. For the Magpies, though they controlled the ball for much of the match (57%) and generated nearly three times as many shots as their opponents it was for nothing as they were unable to pass Blackpool GK Matthew Gilks. The hype around Carroll has yet to dissipate fully perhaps meaning that too many heads were in clouds (or was the injury that prevented him from playing in the England U-21s actually genuine? Someone call “Tales from the Crypt”...) and new signings Tiote and HBA are yet to gel with the crux of last year's Championship winners. It's obvious that Hughton has faith in his team if not his new high-profile acquisitions as Ben-Arfa was only afforded 18 minutes of field time while Campbell and Tiote didn't play at all. In HBA's defence, he made a significant impact and the clamour now will be to replace a foundering Alan Smith with the Ivorian or the new boy from Marseille next week.

Given their past two results – a draw with Wolves and this loss to the Tangerines – it's obvious that Newcastle have had opportunities to really put their opponents in a vice and squeeze throughout both matches yet have failed to do so. Is this because the players aren't good enough? They should be given their sterling performances against Villa and Wolves. Because they were able to apply that pressure last year in the second tier without a second thought.

Hughton has talent on hand, but it just didn't perform this week. And his model of achievement both last year and this has been very much like Olly's – he's confident in his charges and has inspired that confidence in the players themselves. He is honest and humble, resulting in him having the backing of the team. That he prefers the back room rather than the spotlight makes him the diametric opposite of past bosses Kevin Keegan, Joe Kinnear and to a lesser extent, Alan Shearer – and the players know full well where attention seeking managers got them.

But to sum up, all is not lost for the Black and White. The expectations of the fans have been tempered since their heady days of two years ago. Later, in the same conversation thread, I found the following posts from more moderate fans like tunyc:

“... To be fair, it sounds like their keeper had a blinder. It also doesn't sound like the forwards were the problem, as Carroll had chances and Nolan is described as lively-all for naught against a keeper who was very much on his game. That we surrendered a penalty on what I'm reading described as a foolish, unnecessary and late challenge by Smith is irritating... ... I really hope Tiote can offer some more pace and better tackling. Beyond that, meh- we hit a post before they opened and their second goal was at the end when we were throwing everything forward. If you guys thought this season would be a walk-even to survival-you're going to be proven wrong. Bring on the next one...“

Andy Carroll: Next Toon messiah, Next England messiah?

Let's get the facts straight first up. Andy Carroll has made nine premier league starts for Newcastle. In those starts he's scored precisely four goals as a starter, all of them in his last two matches. The clamour for him to represent England in the Qualifiers for the European Championships during the Three Lions' two matches against Bulgaria & Switzerland has grown to fever pitch and as the Magpies fought to a draw with Wolves last weekend he was personally scouted by Franco Baldini, the England Assistant Manager.

There's no question that the kid has talent. He's been the pride and hope for the Toon army since he was barely 18, all while sporting a frame that makes Kevin Davies blush. He's a big lad. But to further flesh out the picture, he's aerobically very capable, runs to the right places on the pitch, and is a burly sort who doesn't mind contact and thus very good at creating enough time in the box for himself or others to shoot. The accuracy of those shots, however, is another matter but he's still only 21 and polish often comes later in a career.

So why or why not would Andy Carroll be a good target man for England? It's safe to say that the alternatives now Emile Heskey has retired – err. … Carlton Cole, Bobby Zamora, Davies and even Peter Crouch – don't fill opposition defences with dread. And, Crouch aside (but he's hurt at present anyway), none are in good form. You can be assured that Carroll's never played better and that he's been a handful for such experienced hands as Richard Dunne & Jody Craddock over the past two weeks. Combine this with his play against Man U's Vidic & Evans where he really should have scored and it paints a tantalising picture.

Should Fabio Capello and the England hierarchy feel that he could be the man to partner Wayne Rooney at the Euros in 2012, then it is now that he should be brought into the squad. Let him train with the England A-listers. Run him out in friendlies and “safe” second-legs until he gets a solid international footing. But this must be a consistent effort by management – given the noise surrounding his past fortnight, one of the only reasons he hasn't been picked already is the question remains if he's ready for prime-time. If he's not ready, he can be hastened into that readiness by allowing him to play roles here and there consistently within the national set-up. Tell him your plans for him. Communicate that and let him know that he has a place in forward plans should his form merit it.

To be honest, should he not play for England, I wouldn't really care. In fact, in these blog pages just a few days ago I wrote that it was perhaps premature to speak of him being the perfect foil for Rooney. He isn't the perfect foil for Rooney right now – he still needs polish for sure and he's quite simply not quite ripe – but if he has any chance of developing into that foil then that needs to be nurtured and encouraged over time rather than simply picking him if there's no one else available or because he fits in now but not later. If management doesn't expect a player to be playing at those Euros in two years time, it's nonsensical to expect that player to participate in these qualifiers. In two years, Andrew Carroll may be the best target-man in England. He also may very well not be – there is a lot of water to cross under a lot of bridges before he even approaches the status of a Didier Drogba. But if he has even the slightest chance to developing into that power forward, then pick him! What has England got to lose in the first games of a new qualifying campaign?

Game 3: Newcastle United vs Wolverhampton Wanderers

What do you need to be successful in the English Premier League?
a) A burning hatred of Liverpool?
b) Pockets the size of small black holes?
c) An iron bar underneath your jersey
d) A recidivist superstar?
e) All of the above

It turns out that the answer is e) - capacious pockets and the not-so-secret key, while larcenous crowbars are important in thriving in the world's richest league. Joey Barton, for one, can swear to it after being the victim of several tough challenges on Saturday. As Wolves manager Mick McCarthy said after the game: “Really, Joey”? Without doubt the greatest positives to come from the game for the NUFC faithful came from those moments: firstly, that the team has stones to stand up to the physical pressure applied, coupled with the maturity with which Barton handled his rough treatment, the orders for which can only have come from Wolves' leadership. A new start for Toon? Is the immaturity that's marked the last 20 years replaced in one fell Championship-winning swoop?

Nothing in this game disproved what we already know about Newcastle United this season. Firstly, that they have both the talent – especially with new boy Hatem Ben Arfa and extraspecially with rumoured new alum Robbie Keane – and the wherewithal to defeat the teams needed to in order to remain in the top tier. Secondly, they have the size needed in order to defer any of the physical beatings the established clubs may want to administer.

The best case in point I can come up with stems from last Monday's Liverpool vs. Manchester City match. In central midfield, the Citizens fronted up Gareth Barry, Nigel De Jong and Yaya Toure against the Reds' Steven Gerrard and Lucas – and even disregarding the numerical advantage, time after time the Reds were pushed off the ball by bigger and stronger players in the clinches. The result was 3-0 to the Sky Blues and was marked by one particular incident where Liverpool new boy Milan Jovanovic bounced four metres after incidental contact from Micah Richards. That the Magpies have size in midfield is a plus – any young upstart club could easily have folded with the physical pressure applied by Wolves. But this size and subsequent unwieldiness can be to their detriment defensively: Coloccini & Mike Williamson are much better at defending large target men rather than smaller, pacier centre forwards and the ease with which Ebanks-Blake's wrong-footed them for his goal directly represented this lack of agility. James Perch was lucky not to concede a penalty and his direct lack of pace when opposed to Matt Jarvis was also to blame.

Andy Carroll's monster header gave the Toon the equaliser they deserved after Sylvan Ebanks-Blake's 43rd minute goal – proof that Carroll is in the form of his life. Should his career arc continue on this upward trajectory then he should make a name for himself playing for the Three Lions, but talk of him as the best partner for Wayne Rooney is perhaps premature. Kevin Nolan again proved as cunning as usual in his forward machinations, able to create space and time in the box (making him sound like a TARDIS) in a manner not quite exactly unlike Carroll. His profligacy in the goal mouth however disappointed but gives hope he can be a 10-15 goal forward this season. That two of last week's stars, Routledge and Enrique were quieter was unsurprising given the physical sacrifices they've made to generate the speed required to play their type of game.

Hatem Ben Arfa signs for Newcastle

Saturday 28th August

Newcastle United sign Hatem Ben-Arfa on loan

To overestimate the importance of this deal would be impossible. In Ben-Arfa (HBA) the Magpies have suddenly acquired the dazzle they need to go with their razzle, the salt to go with their already-ample pepper and the touch of class needed in order to make this season a success.

There's no doubt that HBA is a technically skilled and proficient player; in fact he automatically assumes Kevin Nolan's role as the creative hub of the side (eeew – I just wrote the words “Kevin Nolan” and “creative hub” in the same sentence), but his game does come with a few downsides. First of all, he's a notorious head case capable of destroying dressing room harmony in as much time as it takes for Steven Taylor to get injured. Secondly, he's a lightweight player in the same vein as fellow Marseille product, Samir Nasri. His lack of stature is of secondary importance however as in Nolan, Smith & Barton he's surrounded by several big bodied players able to both take physical punishment and should needs arise, defend him; in fact having a small-bodied creator should provide enough offensive change-up that this potential drawback can only be labeled “potential” rather than “as certain as Joey Barton is mad”.

To say he becomes the jewel in Newcastle's crown is misguided – there really aren't any other jewels on Tyneside to which he can be compared – just a bunch of solid players. Chris Hughton seems to have taken the “Every dog has his day” approach – and assembled a bunch big, solid hounds in midfield, hoping that on any one day an outstanding Kevin Nolan or Joey Barton game can see them competitive. But Ben Arfa's different, a wonderfully-skilled player capable of perhaps unlocking regularly the better defences in the Premiership.

His attributes aren't really the point here. What's going to prove crucial to the fortunes of Newcastle and their supporters is whether HBA is able to harness his immense talent in this Magpie side. ESPN's Bill Simmons has long purported the “Knucklehead theory” where any team is able to have one clown without trouuble. But as soon as that side invests in a second knucklehead, they play off each other creating malady after malady for management. Ben Arfa comes with “damaged goods” stamped prominently across his shipping crate, why else would Marseille have let him go? His well-documented dalliances with “suits” and teammates alike – he's come to fisticuffs with at least four separate teammates and hasn't spoken to Marseille manaager Didier Deschamps for six months – prove he has at best the temperament of a pro athlete, at worst that of a badly spoiled child. Mis a healthy dose of this into ample helpings of Joey Barton and Andy Carroll? The challenge for Toon management is obviously now to balance his top-drawer skills with his bottom-drawer attitude, and Hughton's the kind of “players' manager” who could either bring out the best in HBA or simply be fried by season-long exposure to a loaded ballistic missile. Suffice to say the season of Newcastle just got more interesting.

Game 2: Newcastle vs. Aston Villa

Game 2, 22nd August 2010
Newcastle United vs. Aston Villa

What had previously been promised has now been delivered. 6-0! With performances like this, Newcastle will surely end the year Champions of Europe!!

A truly emphatic victory yesterday for the men in black and white, especially as they were missing probable first-choice defenders – Sol Campbell the latest victim of the flab monster while Steven “I'm not a Doctor Who character” Taylor once again has shown all the resistance to injury of uncooked pasta. Unsurprisingly it was defensively the Toon looked most suspect as Villa initially were able to exploit the backs for pace; the inevitable calamity came with both central defenders and goalkeeper Steve Harper played tortoise to Ashley Young's hare and the subsequent concession of a lazy penalty. Fortunately, the spot-kick was taken by John Carew and the ball is still gaining velocity somewhere between Mars and Jupiter.

As the game wore on Newcastle's size and strength came to the fore against a lightweight Claret lineup unable to cope and the signs for the season are promising as they attack the division armed with chest-and-facial-hair sporting men's men and not skinny kids with horrible hair (sorry, that should read "and not skinny kids"). And Alan Smith who's some grotesque but likeable combination of the two.

Enterprise from the wide position s has long been a staple of success on Tyneside and yesterday was the same. Enrique, Gutierrez & Routledge all looked overmatched their last times out in the top flight, so it was quite surprising that it was from there that much of the thrust to their offense came. That they had a presence centrally at which to aim can't have hurt – Andy Carroll and his horrible hair delivering on four years of potential to present an immovable object (at least for Richard Dunne & Ciaran Clark) front and centre.

Given Chris Hughton's stated desire to move away from the 4-4-2 formation as immutable on Tyneside as track suits & chip butties to explore this year's “buzz” formation, the 4-2-3-1, I find myself asking if this is wisest given yesterday's win. Without getting carried away (obviously I'm not a 'Pies supporter) the lineup did as needed on the day and the relative safety and comfort afforded by the tried-and-true 4-4-2 could provide some refuge against sides not prone to disappearing at the slightest physical pressure like Aston Villa. The latest buzz-formation is fine but buttering bread is a simple task and as such, formations should be simple as well. Allowing Carroll to hold the ball up and involve his midfield mates, especially Kevin Nolan, is key and health, confidence & sanity willing he should provide the offensive fulcrum they can use to ensure safety.

The centre of midfield is the greatest question mark with back-row-of-the-bus boys Alan Smith and Joey Barton (complete with highly dubious moustache) vulnerable to the counter – the rumoured signing of Ivorian Cheik Tiote may provide the athleticism and mobility required mid-field. Also, given that he is – and let's be fair – a massive tool, anyone who thinks Joey Barton can stay out of trouble and injury belongs on the same short bus as Mike Ashley and Joe Kinnear.

A lesser stated reason for optimism is in their overall experience. This meant they weren't overawed playing at home in the top flight against a team playing in Europe. This team, if they believe it, has the bodies to avoid thumpings from even the very best and if that self-belief holds (and the win yesterday should have bought them a month full of confidence at worst) the club should ask enough questions of the mid table to survive and promise hope for future years.

All these positives can't hide the shadowy question marks over some aspects of the Magpies this season – they're only a Carroll injury, the inevitable Barton brain-fart and a likely Sol Campbell spontaneous combustion from Mars-rover type disaster – but signs point to them having enough about them to resist the slide back into the championship. An encouraging way to start the home campaign.